Waiting Take a Village Too
The announcement usually comes during prayer time. A young husband and wife exchange a knowing glance and then share the news: they’re pregnant! After bursting with congratulations, their small group leaps into planning a baby shower, organizing a meal train, and praying for the little one on the way. Most churches know how to support…
The Worth in Our Waiting
In all my countless trips to the grocery store, I’ve never chosen the checkout lane with the longer line. I’m sure you do the same on your Target runs. When you’re dashing from errand to errand, the last thing you want is to get stuck in the aisle with the shopping cart jam. Most of…
How Hope Makes a Path in the Pit
The sun sank below the dusty window ledge. I didn’t bother getting up off the couch to turn on the lights. All I wanted was to stay curled up in my husband’s arms, our toy poodle nestled against my neck. For hours, our little family sat there, grieving in the dark. Going through a failed…
Seeking God More Than Answers
Words swam before my eyes in a blur of medical jargon. My husband, Colin, and I were skimming paperwork in the fertility clinic waiting room. We had already been through several years of tests and treatments –– all of which failed. Now our doctor was recommending we try in vitro fertilization (IVF). Everything within me…
Adoption Isn’t a Way to Get Pregnant
The moment the nurse placed him in my arms, I knew we belonged to each other. All the tears and frustrations of the past several years pooled into a fountain of joy. Now I understood why God has us wait for a baby: So we could have this baby. After my husband and I struggled…
Why Waiting Is Good for You
On the floor in front of me, a fraying carpet strand held my gaze. “Don’t look up,” I whispered through gritted teeth. Pushing against the cold metal chair, I leaned forward and buried my nose in an outdated People magazine. The lower I hunched, the less pain I absorbed from this torture chamber known as the waiting…
When Going Requires Letting Go
Sometimes news is good. Sometimes it’s bad. Other times it’s good, but you’re scared to say it out loud. After a year’s worth of prayer and conversations with trusted friends, I decided to stop holding monthly meetings for Graceful Wait. My ministry partner, Ashley, and I are still offering one-on-one support, and will maintain the…
I Lift My Eyes to the Microwave
1:30. I punch the numbers and slump against the kitchen counter, waiting. One and a half minutes seems too long. My abdomen is howling, crying out for relief from the cramps. They shoot across my belly, fiery darts skittering through blood vessels and tissue and organs, a jumble of body parts fused together by metastatic disease.…
Weeping with Those Waiting for a Child
I’ve often imagined the scene at the tomb the day after Christ’s crucifixion. The world must have seemed bleak. His family and disciples spent that Saturday grieving the loss of the One they thought would free them. They didn’t know He’d rise in victory over sin and death the next day. In the shadow of…
Why Adoption Isn’t Plan A or B
Love, marriage, baby carriage—that’s the predictable course many couples follow to fulfill the cultural mandate in Genesis to “be fruitful and multiply.” Because procreation is a natural biological process that God designed, we expect our bodies to work as intended and assume the sequence will progress in the usual way. But reproductive ability isn’t guaranteed.…
The Shunammite Woman: Faith in God’s Life-giving Power
A short story in the Old Testament tells how a simple woman with a generous heart grew in faith after witnessing God work a miracle in her life. God’s faithfulness to his word led her to boldly request another miracle later on, as she faced the uncertainty of death and loss. Her intensified conviction provides…
God Never Wastes the Space Between
“I’m sorry to tell you it didn’t work,” the doctor said gently, then exhaled: “We didn’t get any embryos.” And with her sigh, my dream of motherhood disintegrated. It had been a long haul to reach this point. Tests, medications, surgeries. Unsure diagnoses, ineffective treatments, bills upon bills. And all for what? One tiny, pink,…
God Remembers the Barren, and So Should the Church
I walked in the door to a foyer teeming with children. My husband and I entered the sanctuary and sat down in the back, where I began counting the number of pregnant women in the pews around us. We had just moved to a new town and were trying out a church. My husband had…
Infertility Wrecked Me and Made Me Stronger
For a woman who is struggling with infertility, a pregnancy announcement has the equivalent effect of a kick in a man’s groin. It knocks the wind out of you, pierces your heart, and accentuates the weight of your empty arms. You’d think this reaction would disappear once you became a mother. When you’re almost 10…
How my love for my son who is adopted and my son who is biological is the same, yet different
Only one person has had the chutzpah to ask me if I love my son whom we adopted less than I love my son whom I carried and birthed. She didn’t phrase it that bluntly, of course. And I knew she was inquiring out of genuine curiosity, as she was contemplating adoption after having two…
Infertility Index: Blogs, books, podcasts, and more
Blogs Waiting for Baby Bird In Due Time It’s Positive I Am Fruitful Hope During Infertility Hilariously Infertile Shelley Writes Joy During Infertility Finding Joy in Infertility Funny Girls of Fertility Ever Upward Our Misconception Embrace Bravery Faith Through PCOS Grace Awaiting For the Love of Joy Infertility and Faith Dreaming of Diapers WARNING: The…
Listen up: Let’s make the world less crappy for those struggling to have a baby
The world is a lonely place for couples having trouble getting pregnant. It’s hard to feel like you fit into a society where everyone and their giraffe is knocked up, posting pics of their bumps like they’re the universal outfit of the day. Instead of further isolating those who are struggling to grow their families,…
20 questions to ask a friend facing infertility
Have you ever asked a dumb question? If you answered no, congratulations! You are the smartest person ever – and a big, fat liar. Posing ignorant inquiries isn’t a practice limited to those whose names end in Kardashian. We all have asked someone a question that was irrational, tactless, ill-advised, or utterly asinine. Circumstances that…
No more miracles
Warning: This post will rock you. Not in a way that will astound you with my wit or eloquence. If anything, you’ll think less of me and question my sense of rationality and perhaps even my faith. So be it. What I mean is that the following post is about as raw as you can…
You are not alone
I sat, staring at the backyard. My eyes perceived the scenery before me – the pale sky, the slender birch trees, the too tall grass – as my mind envisioned children laughing, rolling down the hill, blowing puffs of dandelions, and running to me for a kiss after falling down and scraping a knee.…
Six ways to help a friend face the baby-making blues
Super Bowl 2014. The Seattle Seahawks destroyed Peyton Manning and the Denver Broncos in the franchise’s first-ever victory at the NFL’s pinnacle event. As QB Russell Wilson – aka my husband, Colin’s, man crush – raised the Vince Lombardi trophy in triumph, those few handful of Seahawks fans who had cheered for the team throughout…
10 things I hate about what people say when you’re going through infertility
I once called my brother the root of all evil. He must’ve done something to deserve it – like steal one of My Little Ponies or disregard my stage directions during one of the family skits I wrote, directed, and starred in. Regardless of his actions, it was a cruel thing to say, and I…
Welcome to Loserville
The story of Mary is pretty incredible. An angel shows up and tells this innocent preteen that she’s going to have a baby, though she’s never done the deed necessary to produce such an end result, and that this baby will be the Son of God. Her response to this shocking announcement? “I am the…
Public service announcement: Some people have trouble getting pregnant
Awareness is such a useless word. Of course, that’s the cynical part of me talking, a part that has grown increasingly larger as I’ve gotten older and the longer I’ve known my husband. [air quotes] Awareness [air quotes] seems silly to me because of how it’s used/overused in society. Just do a quick Google news…
Laughing at God
If you’re still in shock over our big announcement, you can get in line right behind me and Colin. Although I’m now in the second trimester and starting to see physical evidence of a baby on board, plus my indulgence in burger and pizza cravings, it is hard for me to believe that this is…
My take on the Parapreggers Phenomenon
I was all fired up to write a pseudo-scholarly critique of recent op-ed columns on the so-called “controversial” themes in Breaking Dawn when I got hit with some news that derailed my social commentary train of thought. You know it’s gotta be important if it trumps Twilight. The news I’m referring to is a quick…
This day in history
Welcome back to the fertility-fail-turned-yay-adoption blog! As you can tell, I’ve done a bang-up job of updating the site since bringing Calvin home in January. And that’s not the only thing that has fallen by the wayside – I’m ashamed to admit that the baseboards have only been dusted a mere three times, and the…
Hope for the holidays
This isn’t the Christmas I’d hoped for. Actually, this is the third Christmas in a row that isn’t turning out the way I’d wanted. For three years now, my vision of a perfect Christmas involved me being pregnant or being a mom. But apparently, my vision isn’t God’s will for my life, at least not…
Many thanks
I know I laid the whole grief thing on a little thick in my last post, and while I don’t need to apologize for being honest about my feelings, I should reassure everyone that I’m doing OK. Not great, but OK. The initial shock is over; I’ve had several good cries and probably will have…
It didn’t work
And I mean it really didn’t work. Out of six eggs that were retrieved, only three of which were mature enough, none of them were fertilized. Even with the most advanced reproductive medical technique available – a procedure called ICSI, in which sperm are injected into the eggs – none of them were fertilized. We’ve…
Big day tomorrow
Our retrieval is scheduled for 10 a.m. tomorrow. I don’t have much to say other than that I’m thankful to be moving forward with this process. We had another GracefulWait women’s meeting this evening, and one of the main topics of discussion was fear and anxiety. If I’m a pro at anything, it’d be that.…
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First, the update: The ultrasound yesterday showed that several follicles were growing, though some were borderline in terms of the threshold size needed for retrieval. Also, my progesterone level was a little high. Given this information, our kind and thorough doctor explained that if progesterone levels are too high, it can affect the success rates…
Retrospective Perceptions on Normative Family Constructs and the Impact of Revised Expectations: Reframing the Paradigm of Parenthood
Wow, time sure flies when you’re getting three shots in the belly each day. Actually, this was my first day of three shots. After my appointment yesterday, the doctor said to begin taking the third type of injection – an ovulation suppressant (called Ganirelix) – and decrease the dosage of another – an ovarian stimulant…
Once more unto the breach
Much has transpired since my last post – Colin and I wowed our friends with our super-creative homemade Halloween outfits (more on that later), we had our first GracefulWait couples meeting (much more on that later), Justin got accepted to the University of Washington medical school (yay!), and the Republicans shellacked the Democrats in the…
Waiting gracefully
I got a little hyperlink-happy in my last post, so this time, I’ll restrain myself and only include one: the Facebook page for GracefulWait, the infertility and infant loss support group Colin and I are helping launch at our church. God began leading us in this direction earlier this year when we attended an adoption…
It’s hard to understand
Today was supposed to be when they’d do the embryo transfer, the final part of the procedure that starts the waiting period before they do the pregnancy test. Instead of sitting around worrying whether or not it worked, I’m sitting around worrying if we’ll be able to start over again in a few weeks and…
A blip
Chalk another one up to our list of Things That Haven’t Happened in the Timing We Expected While Trying to Have Kids. After the first ultrasound on Monday, when I found out about that pesky cyst, I figured my next appointment would be pretty critical in determining how and if we proceed with IVF. The…
First ultrasound, first freak-out
Considering how many people describe the IVF process as an emotional roller coaster, I should have expected our cycle to start off with a steep, stomach-lurching drop. Yesterday, during my first monitoring appointment, the ultrasound showed a cyst and not much growth in the follicles. Unbeknownst to me, I had started the cycle with a…
Green light
Had my baseline ultrasound yesterday and got the go-ahead to start the stimulation medicine today. So this evening, Colin will get the honor of giving me two shots in my belly – what better way to wrap up a Friday date night! The nurse led us through an injection training session, during which Colin dozed…
Save the dates
I didn’t anticipate the need to write again so soon after the most recent post, and was expecting to take a little break to recover from the emotional hangover resulting from my blog broadcast of our infertility issues. However, as with many situations in life, things didn’t turn out the way I thought. And this…
It’s Missouri, not misery
After a year-long hiatus, I thought it was time to update the ole blog. Then I procrastinated for a few more months until I felt motivated to write something a bit longer than a tweet or Facebook status. As most people know by now (if you don’t, you are really out of touch, or maybe…
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