Infertility

When Going Requires Letting Go

Sometimes news is good. Sometimes it’s bad. Other times it’s good, but you’re scared to say it out loud. After a year’s worth of prayer and conversations with trusted friends, I decided to stop holding monthly meetings for Graceful Wait. My ministry partner, Ashley, and I are still offering one-on-one support, and will maintain theContinue reading “When Going Requires Letting Go”

I Lift My Eyes to the Microwave

1:30. I punch the numbers and slump against the kitchen counter, waiting. One and a half minutes seems too long. My abdomen is howling, crying out for relief from the cramps. They shoot across my belly, fiery darts skittering through blood vessels and tissue and organs, a jumble of body parts fused together by metastatic disease.Continue reading “I Lift My Eyes to the Microwave”

Why Adoption Isn’t Plan A or B

Love, marriage, baby carriage—that’s the predictable course many couples follow to fulfill the cultural mandate in Genesis to “be fruitful and multiply.” Because procreation is a natural biological process that God designed, we expect our bodies to work as intended and assume the sequence will progress in the usual way. But reproductive ability isn’t guaranteed.Continue reading “Why Adoption Isn’t Plan A or B”

How my love for my son who is adopted and my son who is biological is the same, yet different

Only one person has had the chutzpah to ask me if I love my son whom we adopted less than I love my son whom I carried and birthed. She didn’t phrase it that bluntly, of course. And I knew she was inquiring out of genuine curiosity, as she was contemplating adoption after having twoContinue reading “How my love for my son who is adopted and my son who is biological is the same, yet different”

Infertility Index: Blogs, books, podcasts, and more

Blogs Waiting for Baby Bird In Due Time It’s Positive I Am Fruitful Hope During Infertility Hilariously Infertile Shelley Writes Joy During Infertility Finding Joy in Infertility Funny Girls of Fertility Ever Upward Our Misconception Embrace Bravery Faith Through PCOS Grace Awaiting For the Love of Joy Infertility and Faith Dreaming of Diapers WARNING: TheContinue reading “Infertility Index: Blogs, books, podcasts, and more”

Listen up: Let’s make the world less crappy for those struggling to have a baby

The world is a lonely place for couples having trouble getting pregnant. It’s hard to feel like you fit into a society where everyone and their giraffe is knocked up, posting pics of their bumps like they’re the universal outfit of the day. Instead of further isolating those who are struggling to grow their families,Continue reading “Listen up: Let’s make the world less crappy for those struggling to have a baby”

No more miracles

Warning: This post will rock you. Not in a way that will astound you with my wit or eloquence. If anything, you’ll think less of me and question my sense of rationality and perhaps even my faith. So be it. What I mean is that the following post is about as raw as you canContinue reading “No more miracles”

You are not alone

  I sat, staring at the backyard. My eyes perceived the scenery before me – the pale sky, the slender birch trees, the too tall grass – as my mind envisioned children laughing, rolling down the hill, blowing puffs of dandelions, and running to me for a kiss after falling down and scraping a knee.Continue reading “You are not alone”

Six ways to help a friend face the baby-making blues

Super Bowl 2014. The Seattle Seahawks destroyed Peyton Manning and the Denver Broncos in the franchise’s first-ever victory at the NFL’s pinnacle event. As QB Russell Wilson – aka my husband, Colin’s, man crush – raised the Vince Lombardi trophy in triumph, those few handful of Seahawks fans who had cheered for the team throughoutContinue reading “Six ways to help a friend face the baby-making blues”

10 things I hate about what people say when you’re going through infertility

I once called my brother the root of all evil. He must’ve done something to deserve it – like steal one of My Little Ponies or disregard my stage directions during one of the family skits I wrote, directed, and starred in. Regardless of his actions, it was a cruel thing to say, and IContinue reading “10 things I hate about what people say when you’re going through infertility”

Welcome to Loserville

The story of Mary is pretty incredible. An angel shows up and tells this innocent preteen that she’s going to have a baby, though she’s never done the deed necessary to produce such an end result, and that this baby will be the Son of God. Her response to this shocking announcement? “I am theContinue reading “Welcome to Loserville”

Public service announcement: Some people have trouble getting pregnant

Awareness is such a useless word. Of course, that’s the cynical part of me talking, a part that has grown increasingly larger as I’ve gotten older and the longer I’ve known my husband. [air quotes] Awareness [air quotes] seems silly to me because of how it’s used/overused in society. Just do a quick Google newsContinue reading “Public service announcement: Some people have trouble getting pregnant”

Laughing at God

If you’re still in shock over our big announcement, you can get in line right behind me and Colin. Although I’m now in the second trimester and starting to see physical evidence of a baby on board, plus my indulgence in burger and pizza cravings, it is hard for me to believe that this isContinue reading “Laughing at God”

This day in history

Welcome back to the fertility-fail-turned-yay-adoption blog! As you can tell, I’ve done a bang-up job of updating the site since bringing Calvin home in January. And that’s not the only thing that has fallen by the wayside – I’m ashamed to admit that the baseboards have only been dusted a mere three times, and theContinue reading “This day in history”

Hope for the holidays

This isn’t the Christmas I’d hoped for. Actually, this is the third Christmas in a row that isn’t turning out the way I’d wanted. For three years now, my vision of a perfect Christmas involved me being pregnant or being a mom. But apparently, my vision isn’t God’s will for my life, at least notContinue reading “Hope for the holidays”

Many thanks

I know I laid the whole grief thing on a little thick in my last post, and while I don’t need to apologize for being honest about my feelings, I should reassure everyone that I’m doing OK. Not great, but OK. The initial shock is over; I’ve had several good cries and probably will haveContinue reading “Many thanks”

It didn’t work

And I mean it really didn’t work. Out of six eggs that were retrieved, only three of which were mature enough, none of them were fertilized. Even with the most advanced reproductive medical technique available – a procedure called ICSI, in which sperm are injected into the eggs – none of them were fertilized. We’veContinue reading “It didn’t work”

Big day tomorrow

Our retrieval is scheduled for 10 a.m. tomorrow. I don’t have much to say other than that I’m thankful to be moving forward with this process. We had another GracefulWait women’s meeting this evening, and one of the main topics of discussion was fear and anxiety. If I’m a pro at anything, it’d be that.Continue reading “Big day tomorrow”

You have 0 friends

First, the update: The ultrasound yesterday showed that several follicles were growing, though some were borderline in terms of the threshold size needed for retrieval. Also, my progesterone level was a little high. Given this information, our kind and thorough doctor explained that if progesterone levels are too high, it can affect the success ratesContinue reading “You have 0 friends”

Retrospective Perceptions on Normative Family Constructs and the Impact of Revised Expectations: Reframing the Paradigm of Parenthood

Wow, time sure flies when you’re getting three shots in the belly each day. Actually, this was my first day of three shots. After my appointment yesterday, the doctor said to begin taking the third type of injection – an ovulation suppressant (called Ganirelix) – and decrease the dosage of another – an ovarian stimulantContinue reading “Retrospective Perceptions on Normative Family Constructs and the Impact of Revised Expectations: Reframing the Paradigm of Parenthood”

Once more unto the breach

Much has transpired since my last post – Colin and I wowed our friends with our super-creative homemade Halloween outfits (more on that later), we had our first GracefulWait couples meeting (much more on that later), Justin got accepted to the University of Washington medical school (yay!), and the Republicans shellacked the Democrats in theContinue reading “Once more unto the breach”

Waiting gracefully

I got a little hyperlink-happy in my last post, so this time, I’ll restrain myself and only include one: the Facebook page for GracefulWait, the infertility and infant loss support group Colin and I are helping launch at our church. God began leading us in this direction earlier this year when we attended an adoptionContinue reading “Waiting gracefully”

It’s hard to understand

Today was supposed to be when they’d do the embryo transfer, the final part of the procedure that starts the waiting period before they do the pregnancy test. Instead of sitting around worrying whether or not it worked, I’m sitting around worrying if we’ll be able to start over again in a few weeks andContinue reading “It’s hard to understand”

A blip

Chalk another one up to our list of Things That Haven’t Happened in the Timing We Expected While Trying to Have Kids. After the first ultrasound on Monday, when I found out about that pesky cyst, I figured my next appointment would be pretty critical in determining how and if we proceed with IVF. TheContinue reading “A blip”

First ultrasound, first freak-out

Considering how many people describe the IVF process as an emotional roller coaster, I should have expected our cycle to start off with a steep, stomach-lurching drop. Yesterday, during my first monitoring appointment, the ultrasound showed a cyst and not much growth in the follicles. Unbeknownst to me, I had started the cycle with aContinue reading “First ultrasound, first freak-out”

Green light

Had my baseline ultrasound yesterday and got the go-ahead to start the stimulation medicine today. So this evening, Colin will get the honor of giving me two shots in my belly – what better way to wrap up a Friday date night! The nurse led us through an injection training session, during which Colin dozedContinue reading “Green light”

Save the dates

I didn’t anticipate the need to write again so soon after the most recent post, and was expecting to take a little break to recover from the emotional hangover resulting from my blog broadcast of our infertility issues. However, as with many situations in life, things didn’t turn out the way I thought. And thisContinue reading “Save the dates”

It’s Missouri, not misery

After a year-long hiatus, I thought it was time to update the ole blog. Then I procrastinated for a few more months until I felt motivated to write something a bit longer than a tweet or Facebook status. As most people know by now (if you don’t, you are really out of touch, or maybeContinue reading “It’s Missouri, not misery”

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