I know I laid the whole grief thing on a little thick in my last post, and while I don’t need to apologize for being honest about my feelings, I should reassure everyone that I’m doing OK. Not great, but OK. The initial shock is over; I’ve had several good cries and probably will have more. But my soul is not in the depths of despair, as the Psalmists or Anne of Green Gables would say.
The response of family and friends has been overwhelming. We’ve received calls, e-mails, Facebook messages, cards, food dropped off at our door, and offers from family members to hop on a plane and fly out to be with us. Being on the receiving end of such encouragement and compassion is a little strange for me, almost to the point of making me uncomfortable, because I like to be the one to help others and show them love. So this experience has been humbling as well as harrowing, which is a good thing – it’s important to learn how to accept grace without feeling compelled to reciprocate.
While I am wholeheartedly grateful for everyone’s kindness, I have to acknowledge that I can’t repay it. I can’t even respond individually to each person’s message right now, though I hope to do so eventually, because it would take a really, really long time to call or e-mail all those who have been praying for and supporting us. I feel like the arrival of our children, however/whenever that happens, will be the most anticipated event since Brangelina’s twins were born. (By the way, I would not mind if you prayed for us to have twins, as that has been my dream since I read Sweet Valley High in grade school.)
And of course we ask for your continued prayers. After we heard the news that we didn’t get any embryos, I told Colin I didn’t know what to pray for anymore with regard to our infertility struggles. His response was “Pray for the story of our children.”
We don’t have any children of our own to be thankful for this Thanksgiving, but the Lord has given us countless other blessings that we appreciate. In the latest Whitworth Mind & Heart, which is often written with the help of my PR whiz sister Emily, new school president Beck Taylor referenced 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 – “Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” I cannot say that I rejoice in the fact that IVF didn’t work, that I am thankful what might have been our last chance to get pregnant was a failure. I’m just not there yet. But I can give thanks to Him for pouring out His love on us through our family and friends, and I can thank all of you for being instruments of His grace.